My Significant Loss

"I was recently inspired by a few videos that I saw on youtube regarding anxiety & depression. I lost my dad when I was 12 and have suffered with depression and panic attacks ever since. Now that I'm 20, I have made some massive changes in my life and seeing those girls speaking about their own experiences & how they changed their lives around really struck a chord with me.

When I found out my dad had passed, I was on holiday in Greece. My grandma rang to tell my mum, who then told me. I ran away for hours, just crying by myself. As a result of my loss, I suffered memory loss, my psychiatrist explained it was a defence mechanism. My brain basically put a wall up between my conscious and memories relating to my dad. Unfortunately, when I was going through the dark periods of my childhood, there was no-one around who had been through anything similar or who had any idea how to support me. My mum was on her own - had no idea how to comfort me. My brother had moved out & rarely checked back in with us. None of my friends even seemed to notice that losing a parent would affect me. The teachers at my school provided me with no support just a 'we're sorry for your loss', one teacher even asked me in front of a class how I felt reading poems about fathers considering I'd lost mine. I felt so lost, alone and constantly in pain. I felt my counsellors were just going through 'the steps' and asking me to do stupid things - for example - one session involved pouring different colour sand into a jar to represent my father.... instead of actually talking to me about my feelings and allowing me to vent.

So I closed myself off for a very long time, .and if anyone has been through something similar, you may know that this is the worst thing you can do. Being alone with your emptiness and the anger you feel could never be positive, and it resulted in me taking my aggression out on myself. Once again my psychiatrist explained that I had put up defences to protect myself remembering the pain and sadness I felt, I made myself numb to it, unless there was a trigger. For example, seeing something that reminded me of one of my few memories, anyone mentioning my father, people talking about their fathers. It sounds very obvious, but when you've been through a loss, no-one really mentions the F word, just incase, so when they would, the gates came down, the tears flooded and the violence began. I would become hysterical, all the pain would appear at once and it would be unstoppable for hours. When I was about 17, I think I finally went through the grieving period. I allowed myself to cry for days and visit my dad's grave which I had only done once previously. I finally asked my family what had happened the day that we lost him and why he was taken from us? - Something I had never been told.

I finally got closure, and I'm not saying that I was 'healed', but it definitely helped me to get rid of some of that anger, and allowed me to put myself back together, one piece at a time. Three years on, I wouldn't say that I am completely over my loss, I do not think I ever will be. It is like a part of you in constantly missing, there's a hole in your heart that can never be filled. Every time you walk past a card shop around Fathers Day your heart aches, and every Christmas and Birthday is never a truly happy day because you always remember there's someone missing. It's important to always remember, I have to make him proud, every day I have to do something worth while that would make him think 'that's my girl'. It always hurts to think that my dad will never walk me down the aisle and that my children won't ever know their grandpa. Every day is a struggle, but I think I've reached a point in my journey where I use my dad as inspiration and as a source of strength. Make the most out of what I have, create the best chances I can for my future & cherish all the memories I have of the past."

I know this has been a very long & heavy post, but I wanted it to be the first thing I post about. I feel very relieved to have written my feelings down & I hope it helps someone somewhere. Everything else will be much more uplifting, promise!

Thank you for reading,
Lola Elizabeth